to initiate or not to initiate?
Sigh. Why wasn't I born being able to talk to people normally??? lol, WHY AM I SO AWKWARD?
I can never seem to find the words, whether it be online or in person, I just...do better as a listener.
It's just exhausting, for me, to have to talk to multiple people. I'm not gonna lie though. I've always dreamed of being the person that has multiple friends. But. I. Just. am not good at it.
Arrrgggh the struggle and dissonance between reality and expectation and dreams.
Anyways. I have this app that's kind of like a penpals app. And well. Today I just requested about 8 people as potential penpals. lol. I'm hoping it'll work out, but if not, that's okay too. Just doing it and even if I get rejected, dealing with rejection constantly, has got to make me immune to it right? Or at least desensitized to it? So that I'm more prone to risk taking?
Idk. That's what my process kind of is. My thinking. Or maybe, it'll be all I'll get rejected so many times I'll go back into that whirlpool of depression again...oh no.
Or hey, we can try to be positive! Maybe, I'll make some new friends????? lol, I hope so.
I REALLY WANT FRIENDS.
I'm so lonely. Gosh, I'm lonely. This is so sad.
When did my life become like this?????? Sigh. Today's a down day, probably bc I have work tomorrow and the stress is killing me.
But I'm trying.
But boy is it hard to do something scary each day.
Idk if I like this.
I keep having moments where my hands kind of just freeze in the air at what I've just done. lol. but 20 seconds. 20 seconds guys. T.T 20 long seconds.
No no. Sorry. I don't mean that. It's JUST 20 seconds. You CAN DO IT. I CAN DO IT.
I have to. It's tiring to live in this tiny box. I want to go out there with all the other human beings.
I can never seem to find the words, whether it be online or in person, I just...do better as a listener.
It's just exhausting, for me, to have to talk to multiple people. I'm not gonna lie though. I've always dreamed of being the person that has multiple friends. But. I. Just. am not good at it.
Arrrgggh the struggle and dissonance between reality and expectation and dreams.
Anyways. I have this app that's kind of like a penpals app. And well. Today I just requested about 8 people as potential penpals. lol. I'm hoping it'll work out, but if not, that's okay too. Just doing it and even if I get rejected, dealing with rejection constantly, has got to make me immune to it right? Or at least desensitized to it? So that I'm more prone to risk taking?
Idk. That's what my process kind of is. My thinking. Or maybe, it'll be all I'll get rejected so many times I'll go back into that whirlpool of depression again...oh no.
Or hey, we can try to be positive! Maybe, I'll make some new friends????? lol, I hope so.
I REALLY WANT FRIENDS.
I'm so lonely. Gosh, I'm lonely. This is so sad.
When did my life become like this?????? Sigh. Today's a down day, probably bc I have work tomorrow and the stress is killing me.
But I'm trying.
But boy is it hard to do something scary each day.
Idk if I like this.
I keep having moments where my hands kind of just freeze in the air at what I've just done. lol. but 20 seconds. 20 seconds guys. T.T 20 long seconds.
No no. Sorry. I don't mean that. It's JUST 20 seconds. You CAN DO IT. I CAN DO IT.
I have to. It's tiring to live in this tiny box. I want to go out there with all the other human beings.
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